Jokes

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started....

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My wife and I were watching Kaun Banega Karorepati, while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to make love?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, angrily said, 'Not sure.'

So I said,Then I'd like to use "phone a friend" option.

And that's when the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend....I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house….was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,

"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that weather?"

And that's how the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.....

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security .

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driving licence to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application ..

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...

She said, 'You should have gone a bit further. You might have gotten disability pension too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife was in the bedroom without her clothes on, looking in the mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, unattractive and ugly.
But I really need you to pay me a nice compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's perfect."

And then the fight started........

 

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